Oh Boy..

     Before I go into detail on my night.. which was great... here's a little back history:

     All my life I have struggled with my appearance. Being the biggest, tallest, most developed girl out of my friends was hard to ignore. I always thought of myself as fat, too tall, and ugly.
     Throughout the years this opinion of myself has gotten better. I think higher of myself looks wise. I'm more comfortable in my own skin. I am able to look in the mirror and not want to cry because of every flaw I find on my body. It's been a lot better now :)
     The biggest problem I've faced recently (being the past year) has been... boys. Getting my hopes up, always predicting rejection, and feeling undeserving of a guy's affection has always gotten the best of me. I felt that every guy I was attracted to only looked at me as a "dude" which is pretty much how it is. Each day has gotten better.

     So tonight....

     I had been having these thoughts for a few weeks about guys and what it was that I apparently wasn't bringing to the table.. in other words what was wrong with me?
     At church tonight, God was just assuring me and assuring me that everything will be fine... and I definitely believe that He will bring the "one" into my life when the right time comes... patience is just an issue I guess.
     So after a great night ending with God-made chili dogs and onion rings at Varsity with some super cool pals.. I drove home alone.. and then I let it out.....
     I cried. Just asking and asking God why can't I get a sign? What is wrong with me? If I'm considered the "exception" when it comes to girls that aren't that great to guys, then what's wrong with me? Is it because I look like I'm five in the face? Cause I wear too many colors for normal eyes to handle? What? haha.
     But God just let me vent. He let me get everything out and now I feel a ton better. He was patient with me.. so I should do the same.
   
     If you're reading this and you're dealing of have dealt with the same thing.. just know that God knows how you feel and so He definitely knows the outcome. This wait will be well worth it.

      And so........... we wait :)

He Knows

     First, I want to give praise for the handy dandy bible app. It has not only given me scripture no matter where I am, but it has also saved me from possible hours of wasting time on Temple Run.
    This week has been pretty insane. I started school for the Spring semester and luckily my schedule isn't too horrific but some classes (actually just Chemistry which I think the devil is involved in that matter) are pretty stressful. Also, I have a dorm to myself which has been bittersweet Bitter because I'm by myself and sweet because I'm by myself ;). My home has changed tremendously with a new roomie, a new room which contains a n new surrounding for me.. hardwood floors, which is ballin.
   
    Anyway...

     So I, like many others I'm sure, have struggled in the past when it comes to getting into the Word (I capitalize word in assumption that you know it is ze Bible :) ). But this week has been awesome. I've been able to clear my mind easier and also welcome what God wants me to know in.
     This is how I read the word daily:
     Step one: opened the app because my bible was left in my car (that's where the praise comes in)
     Step two: prayed to God to show me what I need to read.. not just me reading more of what I read in church the previous Sunday.. it's more personal in my opinion.
     Step three: I let him show me (which includes shutting my eyes and letting Him guide my fingers over the books.. the chapters.. and then I start on verse one)
     It has been a tremendous success!! Each time I have done this, He has shown me things I need along with things I wasn't at all thinking about until now.
     True story (actually just happened)
     I have to work so I wasn't able to attend church so I took out the good ol' app and let God do His work. He led me to Jude 1 and I began reading from there.
     At first I didn't realize what He was trying to tell me but then it hit me....
     Just before I read this scripture, I had to do an English assignment which was to read and respond to "There is No God" by Penn Jillette. I wasn't frustrated but it left me thinking about a lot.. like what caused him to feel this way. In Jude, it talks about patience and pretty much just allow God to His job. Sometimes all we can do is pray.. and so I did :)
     It's stuff like this that just pushes me to read more and pray more and love more and hug more and smile more and laugh more and... well you get the positive point :). It helps me go further in my walk.
     I mean, it just proves that HE KNOWS. He just brought words to me from an essay I had just read. He was watching over me as I did a simple homework assignment. That's amazing how He truly does look over even the simplest of things that we do.

    Praise Him :)

In Remembrance of Brutus

     I know I did a blog post yesterday and I don't really like having a daily thing going.. but it's 12:03 and it has already been a super emotional day.. So writing/ typing things out will make things better! And after reading this, if you have come to a conclusion that I am dog crazy.. well you'd be right :)

     

     This will be a letter to my dog (yes dog) Brutus:

     Dear Brutus,

     I remember when I first got you..... I was five years old and I was awaiting for your arrival at the house. Well... maybe not you specifically.. I thought you were a new barbie.. I mean mom said on the phone that my new present was blonde, so what else was I supposed to think? You were way better than a barbie though....

     You were the cutest thing ever! A small, blonde Pomeranian.. with cute little eyes and a puppy love like no other. 

      I remember when I used to dress you in my cabbage patch kid doll's clothes.. I'm pretty sure that's the reason why you hated any clothes after that.. Sorry I scarred you for life.

      I remember when we lost you for a few days when I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. Those were the worst times of my life.. and it was such a blessing when we found you. You traveled pretty far away remember? Like ten miles away. 

     I remember when you'd lick away my tears when my daddy didn't come again... I knew that you loved me. 

     I remember when you would sit in my lap for hours because you could never be petted enough. 

     I remember when you started getting old. Your kneecaps would give way and you were in pain a lot. 

     I remember during this time, you were still .licking away the tears off of my mother and my faces when we found out that the family of three was torn apart. 

     I remember you getting older

     and older

     and older

     I remember mom and I talking about you and you couldn't even hear us. Or see us for that matter. 

     I remember when we decided that it was time... time for you to no longer be in pain

     I remember this morning holding you until you fell asleep... and even afterwards, petting your tiny head as if you knew I was there. 

     I remember the sadness that filled me.. but happiness and joy that you were no longer in pain. 

     

     The biggest thing I remember is...

      Other than mom and me.. you were the other one that has been there through everything.. EVERYTHING.

     I will remember you always. 

     You had a good run Brutus :) 14 years of nothing but love. And our love for you continues afterwards.

This is Brutus before he started getting old. :)

                                                                                                       

                                                                                                 

Twenty Twelve... Two Thousand Twelve...2012..Dos Mil Doce.. Etc.

     Well this is my first blog of the new year!! Woo (as confetti and paper horns fill the air)!
   
     Anyway....

     I thought that it would be cliche but acceptable if I started with a my New Year's Resolution list:

     1. Be healthier (I know it's so unique and insane)
     2. Finish my first year of college with all A's and B's (halfway there!)
     3. Meet some new folks
     4. Have less anxiety attacks when getting lost.. (I would say not to get lost as much but that's just an impossible goal to reach)
     5. Figure out my specific major
     6. Try to be more spontaneous
     7. Get a tattoo (or "tatted up" if you will)
     8. Be in a movie as an extra or.. pushing it... a character!!! ;)
     9. Maybe have some questions answered (wink wink..nudge nudge God)
     10. And last... have as much fun as I can while also having the least amount of stress in my mom and my life.

     Sorry it's not that exciting.. but when it comes to the outrageous sky-diving or flying my own airplane.. well that can wait for another year ;)
     All in all I truly believe that this year will be a great year! I've learned a lot.. been through several obstacles... found out who I am... and also became comfortable with who I found... I loved.. got my heart broken.. wrote a song about it.. then another one... been through tension at home... tension at school...tension with friends..I've gained weight.. lost weight... gained weight... lost weight... etc.
    I've been through a lot.. and I feel that this year will be a bit of a break. Positive things have already come into my mind that I know are happening this year and it just puts a smile on my face when I answer the door to 2012.
     I super hope that everyone has a bright light ahead of them when thinking about the new year. If you start with positive.. you'll end with positive :) Have faith. Everything de-tangles and works out in the end. When you're struggling.. there's always someone struggling more than you are. So let that help be thankful for what you have. Put a smile on. Chuckle a little.. and let the new year of 2012 begin!!!!!